Health news blog

Remember that each of these questions was followed by long taped discussions. They are presented here in outline form to serve as stimuli for the intimate sharing of your marriage’s love maps. Couples enjoyed discussing their first date, often laughing at the memories most of us share. You will be reading about one such example in detail in Chapter Twelve. Here are two examples from the love-map histories.

‘ ‘He opened the door right on his own face,” she said, laughing. “He came around the car in tuxedo and all, opened the car door, and almost knocked himself out.”

“I can beat that,” added the husband. “I got up after the movie, and my leg was asleep. I mean, really out, like it had been amputated. I dragged it up the aisle with me. She never looked back. I tried to stomp it back to life, and she looked away. I was dying of embarrassment.”

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Panic anxiety management skills allow many of us to be free of our anxiety disorder. The skills can give us a control over our lives that we have never had before; but sometimes even this isn’t enough. A little-known aspect of the working-through process can hold us back, and be the final factor in the perpetuation of the disorder. It is our lack of sense of self.

Although this aspect is not related only to anxiety disorders, it can be the single most important issue in the disorders. Despite our ongoing attacks and anxiety, it can be the one issue we are most concerned about. It is as if we intuitively know the root cause of our suffering.

The lack of identification goes beyond our cry of ‘this is not me’. When we say ‘this is not me’ we are referring to the image we had before the disorder. Despite the image we had of ourselves, we have always known that we never felt any sense of who we are. We never had a real sense of self. This essential element was always lacking in our lives, and it is from this that our feelings of inadequacy, lack of confidence and lack of self-esteem arose.

We counteracted these by our need to be perfect. Over the years we adapted and modified our behaviour to what we perceived were other people’s expectations of us. We became who we thought we should be, and in doing so suppressed much of who we could be. Our identity became dependent on other people’s perceptions of us. The more dependent we became, the more we had to suppress our real self, even if we didn’t realise we were doing it. The more we suppressed our self, the more inadequate we felt. The more inadequate we felt, the more we felt the need to be perfect.

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As with other treatments, so it is with surgery— no one can look into the future and tell you exactly what will happen to you as an individual. In the case of surgery, they can’t even always tell you exactly what the operation will involve.

Let’s start with an example. Say a person agreed to removal of part of the lower bowel, on the understanding that this would give him a good chance of being cured of bowel cancer altogether. At the operation, his surgeon finds something that was not known before the operation—the cancer has grown through the bowel wall and into the wall of the bladder. The cancer cannot be completely removed without removing part of the bladder as well. Even if this is done, the chance of cure is much smaller than was advised beforehand. This surgeon has two choices. He or she can take the decision away from the patient by going ahead immediately with whatever operation seems best. This is what most surgeons do. Or the surgeon could simply sew the patient up again and discuss the new situation with him when he wakes up. Clearly this wouldn’t be good for the sick person, who would then have to consider having another operation within a very short time. It also wouldn’t be good for the surgeon. The average surgeon is much too concerned with maintaining his or her power and authority over the patient to even consider such a course of action. Doing this would mean admitting lack of care in planning the operation. More importantly, it would also mean acknowledging that the person having the operation was indeed the best person to make the decision.

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